Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Grieving losses to come...

As I've written before I've always wanted to adopt. Since I was young. I am so blessed to be in the process and thank God for choosing us to be parents to this little one coming our way. It's been an amazing process, and an amazingly DIFFICULT process. There are so many emotions that overwhelm me at times. The past month have been rather uneventful (with adoption news) as I (we) were simply focused on all the details that go into moving out of state. That alone is difficult and a process but add to that all the emotions of moving away and it gets even harder. Now throw a double scoop of adopting an orphan in one of the poorest countries in the world and you have one emotional person.

God is preparing me for this sweet child to come into my (our) life. It is good...but it's hard.

I LOVED being pregnant. I loved it!! I loved feeling Emmy inside me...moving, kicking, living in me. It was amazing. Although I had a hard labor, in a sense, I loved that too. Minutes after giving birth I knew why people do it over and over again. Looking at Emmy's newness was beautiful. Her skin, eyes, hair, lips, every part of her was perfect and new. I instantly was close to her and connected. She had been with me for months. Although it was all still strange to me I was close to her. She knew my sounds, my body, my heart...she knew me.

Tonight I realized I was sad. I didn't really know why and then it hit me. As I looked at pictures of Emmy from birth on I realized I am grieving all the things I will miss with my second child. I will miss not carrying him in my womb...feeling the kicks. I will miss seeing her first breath. I will miss some of his firsts. She will not know me as mommy right away. To him I will be just another caregiver. I will look at him or her as daughter or son and he or she will look at me as a stranger...a foreigner with a foreign tongue. I will have to teach him to trust me instead of it being automatic at birth. I will have to work at comforting her. I will not know which ways he likes being held...or how she likes to eat.

I am also grieving the loss of a child for a mother far away. I am so blessed to be a mother...so blessed to raise Emmy. I can't imagine carrying her for those months and then her not being in my life. I can't imagine having to make a choice that involves losing a child. I don't know if my second child's family is ill, is in prison, is alone, or too young to take care of our little one. But whatever the reason I am grieving for them. I am praying that they would know that Jesus is their savior...that He alone can save them and bring salvation. I pray for them often...that God would comfort them.

Although I am grieving I am also rejoicing. I am rejoicing in that God choose us to be parents to our little orphan. Our little orphan who will be an orphan no more. Who will have a FOREVER family...who will have a last name! Who will have a mommy, daddy and sister who love him. We have prayed for them(Lots of prayers). We have waited for him. We have grieved over her. And how we long to hold him or her.

I also realized I WILL experience firsts...someone may have experienced it with them before us, but it doesn't matter because to us it will be the first laugh, smile, or crawl. It will be the first bottle, food, or bath. To us these will all be firsts. As Charlie put it..."It will be different but in the same familiar way." Simple statement but so true.

Although I am grieving losses I am rejoicing in the recieving of this precious child!! :D

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